Some of my edits on this 'Handbook'

HANDBOOK 2009:
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
For God’s sake, don’t do this on Flomax.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
Ate breakfast at Burger King, lunch was more like a pauper – out of work, so begged for dinner. They felt sorry for me and took me to burger King
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
I looked everywhere and found absolutely nothing I want to eat on a tree. Sat under a tree and ate the other half of my Burger King.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
Ran out of energy, Got kinda depressed about it – Then I just didn’t give a shit.
5. Make time for prayer.
“Why me, God”? ………..Took only 2 seconds.
6. Play more games.
The guy I beat to the next stoplight got really pissed when I cut him off to beat him. This didn’t make me feel any better.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
Reading made me think about things which got me depressed – ended up in the loop on number 4 above.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
After I cleaned the bathroom (ref. #1) my wife and I drove to Bellevue. So I did this one.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
Slept 6, than caught another one through the sermon.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.
Tried this. We live next to a school. I caught up on some reading (no. 7 above) waiting for my attorney down at the police station.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
I don’t have a life.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
I AM putting energy into this at the moment, although I’m positively sure I can’t get this format to change the way I want.
13. Don’t overdo. Keep your limits.
I’ve tried this and have been successful (see #11 above).
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
That’s why you’re still reading down this inane list.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
I heard that was true today from Bill. Later, Jim told me over the phone that if Bill spent more time in his yard instead of down at Starbucks (well, you know who is there at starbucks in the afternoon – she is a flake) anyway, well, maybe it’s true. Ask Jeff.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
Tried this and damn near ran over a guy begging for dinner over at Burger King.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
Boy! How I WISH I had come up with this one!
18.. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
So true, but I have to remind whoever wrote this that there is a long gap between the word present and happiness above. C’mon! Learn to type!
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
I hate whoever came up with THIS lame advice.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
Every living minute of the hell my life has become is due to SOME idiot causing me grief. What the hell kind of present is that?
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
That’s right. And now I have to be in charge of THAT too…as if I already don’t have to fix everyone else’s mistakes.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Hey pal – learn on THIS! Problems will last a lifetime. It’s the curriculum that fades away.
23. Smile and laugh more.
Tried this back when I was taking that fucking walk around the school yard awhile back. Had to hire an Attorney to bail me out of jail.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
I don’t win ANY arguments. That is precisely why #8 prevails.


Society:
25. Call your family often.
After you call them often, then what? Call them a cab?
26. Each day give something good to others.
I just have nothing to say.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
This one is for the French.
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
I don’t remember if I did this when I was a kid. Maybe when I hit 70 I’ll try to spend some time with folks.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
I do. The dick over at the IRS, My baker, and my priest – I think that’s actually a smirk. Does that count?
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
The hell it ain’t.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
My job didn’t take care of me when I was well. And, I have to wait until I’m firkin 70 to spend time with people.


Life:
32. Do the right thing!
Eat some frikin oatmeal and then Kick Wilfred Brimley in the ass as he’s getting his goddam drug supply out of the mailbox!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
My wife absolutely REFUSED to leave.
34. GOD heals everything.
This is beyond even that.
35.. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Yeah, Bill told me to cheer up – things could get worse. So I cheered up – and by God, they DID.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
No.
37. The best is yet to come.
I think this death thing is over rated.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
That I woke up? Listen, if you feel the way I do when you wake up, God help you.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
Now WHO the HELL thought of THAT??